Subject: Fathers-Living Life
From: "Fatherhood Foundation" <[email-masked]>
To: "Warwick Marsh" <[email-masked]>
Date: Sun, 12 Oct 2003 07:20:23 +1000

Issue No. 59-13th October, 2003

visit us at www.fathersonline.org

Welcome to fathersonline.org

Dads with Young Children

Grandads

Laughter

Single Dads

Special Feature

Thought for the Week

News & Info

Dad's Prayer

Mission Statement & Help Us!

Welcome to fathersonline.org

Dear Warwick,

As a father there is no greater joy than hanging out with your children.  On a recent Saturday we had to update my ten year old daughter’s flute at Sax and Woodwind in Sydney.  What a wonderful opportunity to take my daughter out for a ‘date’.  Picking up the new flute was exciting enough and then we went to the George St cinema complex to catch a movie.  My daughter wanted to see ‘Legally Blonde II’, which is definitely not a bloke’s sort of movie.  Now I know how to get a good manicure and use girl power to change history through American Congress.  So whose date was it anyway?  The next challenge was where to take my ‘date’ for lunch.  Anywhere but McDonalds! Guess who ended up forking out for McDonalds.  Their chicken fold-overs really aren’t that bad.

A pleasant stroll down George St with my little princess was made even better by my singing a nonsensical ditty.  “Aw dad, do you have to sing in public?  Stop right away or I won’t walk with you.”  Of course when dad started doing a nonsensical dance, swinging around lampposts in the middle of Sydney, the response was even more predictable.  “Stop right away or I’m going home now.”  Having a bossy, red-haired daughter certainly teaches one how to toe the line.

We had a wonderful day together in the big smoke. And what did I learn?  I learnt that blondes, and also redheads really are quite clever.  I learnt that girl power will triumph in the end.  I learnt that one of the best things I could possibly do was to take my ten year old daughter out for a date.  You see, girls will measure the boys they go out with against their dad.  If their dad’s a creep, they will go out with creeps.  If their dad treats them positively, honours and respects them, then they will expect the same of any prospective husband.  If you don’t believe me, read ’Women and their Fathers; The Sexual and Romantic Impact of the First Man in your Life’ (by V. Secunda, New York, Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing). Think of a date with your daughter as a long term investment in your daughter’s future husband.

Lovework

You guessed it; it’s time to make some time.  That’s right, carve it out.  Book it in now.  Do something special with your children.  They are never too young to appreciate your taking them out for a special treat.  I can still remember that time in the mid sixties when my dad took my brother and I to see ‘Adventures of Sinbad the Sailor’ in downtown Sydney.  The movie will soon be forgotten, but time spent with your children will become a part of you and your children’s heritage for generations to come.

Yours for making time with your children

Warwick Marsh

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Warwick Marsh  has been married to Alison for 27 years. He is the father of five children, four boys and one girl, ranging in age from 22 years to 10 years.  Warwick is a musician, songwriter, producer and public speaker who likes to think he can still laugh at himself.

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Dads with Young Children

THE ART OF FATHERING

TRAIN THE TRAINER

by Paul Sloan

The whole family is in the lounge-room, eyes glued to the set, watching Australian Idol to see if Millsy will make it through…then as you casually glance across the room you see this:

His eyes are glassy, focussed, staring straight ahead, concentration is paramount, the stance is just right, the moment has arrived…STOP!!! Panic sets in; Quick, everybody move, run, push the furniture out of the way, just get out of the way, QUICK!!!

Too late. The puddle on the floor indicates that our two year-old’s concentration was effective, and our timing as always, ineffective. Yes ladies and gentlemen, and parents to be, toilet training can test even the most patient and resilient of parents.

Now, I am a man of the nineties, and certainly open to change, but I am still coming to grips with the actual successfulness of training pants. My son has these new, soft, almost nappy type things sorted out. The beauty of these is that he can let the river flow, and unlike nappies, can actually watch the result make its way to the carpet, and then just take them off and run around the house in the nuddy. Yep, they work for me!!

Now believe it or not, I have, and am, actually learning something in this whole exercise. I am learning about that ugly, ugly concept they call patience. Who needs it right? Well, when toilet training, patience is certainly a pre-requisite. My wife has little trouble dealing with this; myself, however…haven’t got time to learn patience! But, I am dealing with this, and if my two-year old is to learn that wet pants really aren’t that enjoyable, he needs our loving patience and assistance.

Have faith people. I am a visionary. I can see that in the very near future (next week I hope) that my son will master the art of toilet training. I can see in the very near future that my level of patience in all areas will have benefited from my role in this whole exercise. And I understand that as a family we will all learn a little something out of this.

So to my little two-year-old, you try your hardest mate. Daddy’s sorry if he loses his patience. We can always get the carpet cleaned. So don’t worry buddy, as that famous ad says on TV mate…If it feels good, do it!!

Till Next Time,

Paul

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Paul Sloan is an accountant working in Maroochydoore. He is married with three children aged two, ten and thirteen years. Paul is an active surfer who lives on the Sunshine Coast in Queensland. He is a family man who hasn't lost his sense of humour.

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Grandads

Lesson Learnt

by Lynne Sabin

About 30 years ago my grandparents pulled out a huge box of family photos, which spanned several generations. After looking through the photos, my grandparents asked me to keep the box. I was uncomfortable about accepting the pictures because I didn’t want to think about the day that my grandpa and grandma would not be in my life. So, I said there was plenty of time left to get the photographs. When my grandmother died a year later, my grandfather offered me the photos a second time.

Again, I put off taking them. In time, I married, started my own family and moved across country. I stayed in touch with my grandfather, to be sure, but the photographs were never a part of our conversations. Retrospectively, I suppose he thought I just didn’t want them.

Then that awful, but inevitable call came, informing me that my grandpa had died. In my grief, the photos did cross my mind, but there were two uncles present who were going to take care of things, so I figured there was plenty of time to get the photos. Unexpectedly, though, one uncle died, and another divorced and I lost track of him.

After a year of searching diligently for my missing uncle, I finally tracked him down. It turns out that he left the box of photographs with his former wife. So I called her. She was extremely pleasant, but the divorce had not gone well and, upon finding the box of photographs, she had thrown them away. I’ve since received many other photos, but they do not compare to the priceless family legacy that I let slip through my fingers, not once, but twice.

Lesson Learned: If presented with the opportunity to borrow or take possession of family photographs, don’t even think twice about accepting the offer.

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Lynn Sabin, is a genealogical researcher. She is the granddaughter of Edwin Sabin & Beulah Irland and Joseph Clary & May Knapp. She resides in Sachse, Texas. Besides genealogy, her extra vocational passions include woodworking, gardening, and being owned by four cats and a dog, named Doodle. And, like anyone who’s spent much time tracking down ancestors, she is stubborn and persistent. www.sabin-clary.com/index.html

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Laughter

New scientific discovery

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element known to science, tentatively named  'Administratium'.  It has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic
mass of 312.  These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of Lemming-like particles called peons. Since Administratium has no electrons it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.  A minute amount of adminstratium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete, when it would normally take
less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of 3 years.  It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation, in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places.  In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation causes some morons to become neutrons forming isodopes.  This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.  This hypothetical quantity is referred to as 'Critical Mass'.  You will know when you see it.

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Single Dads

A Tale of 3 Cities

By Peter…..

I few years ago I was a happily married man - a beautiful wife, 3 sons, a home that  was well on the way to being paid off, a job and settled in the community.  We had just had our 10 years anniversary - a night on the town for  the  family. A few bumps along the way, including some really tough surprises with our sons' births, but everything was fine - so I thought. I was not violent, abusive, alcoholic, stingy, drug nor gambling addict. I dearly loved my wife  and children, resigning from one job to prefer them and putting in time,  etc. Love is blind, and hindsight may give much better vision but I did the best I could and was open to change.

My wife had been involved in counselling a family, whose marriage failed, and with my support and a local counselling group, helping others.

However, on returning home from visiting her dying father she asked me to 'move  out  while  she  sorted  through  some  problems'. I asked what the problems were, but she would not discuss it. I asked her to get counsel, or leave me with the children and she was welcome to be involved with them and stay in the house. All alternatives were ignored or refused. I moved out, rather than have my wife take my sons onto the street or elsewhere.

I soon found the locks changed, AVO's issued (though I have never been violentor abusive) to keep me away from the home. Strange men entertained my wife and children in my home even when I came to 'collect' my sons or phoned them. Counsellors advised she would not listen. Letters to politicians, bishops and solicitors were answered 'we are so sorry but?' or 'Don't bother appealing / fighting - you won't win, you are male and have a job'  (even if I spent $15k minimum that I didn't have to get custody of my own children). I had to work while my wife had the children, house and got government  benefits. I had to pay child support to feed and house my sons on  a  legal  formulae  that  took  more than I had left. I earnt above the average  salary, but calls logged with Child Support were never answered or returned. With no affordable accommodation in the local area the church gave me a guards' cottage at the local camping  ground. Emergency accommodation had a 2 to 4 year waiting list. My bed was found from a clean up,  with blankets, pots and crockery donated by church friends. Shock gave way  to  suicidal  depression. I was haemorrhaging internally and lost 20 kilos. People cooked meals for me and sat beside me to talk. I would weep for  hours, with no heating in sub-zero temperatures. I took sobbing breaks at  work while others took smoko’s, or travelling on the train. Gas from the stove did not kill me due to the draft from an unusable chimney. I would sit on cliffs on local mountains ready to jump, yelling at God then falling in  a heap again. Electricity and chemicals in hot baths were prepared, but never  used. I could not walk up hills without falling in a heap at times. People helped me to the shower, which I held on to the side of. Driving home  after dropping my sons off I swerved around cliffs and trucks through tears.  Counsellors told me I was 'normal' when I went for help. I did not want to live as it hurt so much, and death seemed the only option in that city.

Friends gave me a car for free, so I could shop and collect my sons. The gasket  blew, but others gave me another. There was always a roof over my head  of 5 houses over 2 years, food on the table, and friends around or on the  phone. I chose to call when the waves overwhelmed me - many times. I was taken on a holiday, and drawing a line in the sand finally chose to live, knowing the  Lord  could take care of the difference, no matter how hard  it was or would get. A new job meant I could just make ends meet, and a friend offered shared housing. Even in death came life, a new beginning.

I had already forgiven my ex-wife, and kept at it, but the pain and torment began to go. Property settlement meant I could buy some basics, and there was no debt to pay out. The legal structure allowed kidnap, ransom, theft, and fraud, with no appeal but life went on - in a new city.

I now look forward to another city, where the needs of both parents and children are respected and protected, whether married or apart. It is not here yet, but can happen. Without a vision people live dangerously. Without love  or  hope  there was only death. The way it is now has to change - for everyone's  interest.

This curse is killing people, and robbing the inheritance of generations.

We can do it - together. Will you help be part of the answer, even if it hurts ?

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Peter...is a man who has been brought to his knees in suffering. He has the courage to tell his story and share his experiences to help others.

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Special Feature

Dr. Ken Canfield

National Centre for Fathering

Robert Shaw, M.D., calls them “emotional vitamins” that are necessary for healthy child development. He’s speaking of clear expectations and structure. Without structure and appropriate expectations, a child will tend to be less confident, less empathetic and struggle with establishing a sense of morality. Shaw’s prescription for fathers, outlined in his new book, The Epidemic, is simply to avoid the extremes in rearing children: being neglectful on one hand; overindulgent on the other.

If we are neglectful and defer our fathering responsibilities, particularly in initiating a sense of morality, we will raise a generation of kids who are “meaner, nastier, more venomous and vengeful.” Similarly, if we overindulge and accommodate every whim our children have -- at the expense of teaching them self-control and responsibility -- we will raise the next generation to imitate what they have seen in “a morally relativistic culture in which a quest for power and money held sway over considerations of goodness, honor, fiduciary responsibility, and fundamental caring for the welfare of others.” Shaw uses the Enron fiasco as an example for what can happen when children are brought up to value “the development of cognitive power and cunning but not real emotional intelligence, not compassion, not empathy.”

To Think About ...

I want to highlight six of Shaw’s action points for parents who want to train their children to be responsible and compassionate in the real world:

•   Establish boundaries. Rules and boundaries don’t stifle a child’s development--they provide direction, so he can grow and experiment safely and with confidence.

•   Maintain discipline. Contrary to some popular thinking, discipline is a way of expressing love. Children need it to be happy and well-adjusted.

•   Teach self-control. The ability to delay gratification is one of the most valuable skills in life, but few parents make it a priority when training their children.

•   Instill respect for others. Disrespect for teachers will impede a child’s learning; disrespect for peers will foster social awkwardness and could lead to more serious difficulties.

•   Inculcate moral values. “Parents must find the courage to live every day the values they feel their child should have.”

•   Promote a healthy degree of separation. Untrained children typically feel unloved or find it unfair when they are denied freedoms or privileges that other kids have earned through their increasingly responsible behavior.

•   Establish appropriate accountability, privacy and trust. Children should earn privileges and new levels of freedom by demonstrating increasingly responsible behavior. Privacy and trust are not automatic rights, and greater freedoms bring greater responsibility.

This is an extract from fathers.com which also offers a weekly newsletter and many other useful materials.

http://www.fathers.com/htmlarts/positive%20discipline.html

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Great resource material is available at this site www.fathers.com

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Thought for the Week

Love is a condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own

Robert Heinlein

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News & Info

More action in Fatherhood kingdom on the Oprah Winfrey talk show. This link gives you a live video link with Roland Warren from the National Fatherhood Iniative. The comments by the fathers are great listening and very frank. Highly recommended.

http://www.oprah.com/tows/after/200210/tows_after_20021030.jhtml

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840m debt on children

PARENTS behind in their payments have run up a child support debt of more than $840 million, new figures reveal. About 250,000 divorced fathers are paying $5 or less a week in child support; tens of thousands are paying nothing.

Lone Fathers' Association president Barry Williams said the figures showed men were giving up work to avoid child support payments.  'A lot of people - after they've paid their tax and child support payment - are not left enough on which to live,' Mr Williams said.

http://heraldsun.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5478,7296076%255E25717,00.html

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The Chief Justice  of the Family Court, Alistair Nicholson lambasted the Prime Minister's proposal for shared parenting on Thursday saying it would never work. He was scornful of any suggestions that the Family Law Act be changed to presume divorced parents receive equal access to their children.

He said the plan did not reflect the reality of life and was unworkable.

' I think it's so inappropriate to most Australian families that it's just not going to work and I think it is so inappropriate to most Australian children to say to them...there is a presumption that you've got to spend equal time with your father and mother.'

His comments were made at the Parliamentary inquiry examining the proposals for shared parenting.

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Letters

14 August 2003

Dear Fatherhood Foundation

As a mother I appreciate and value immensely the relationship between parents and their children, and coming from a community service and childcare background, I know the problems arising when these relationships and family units falter.  For whatever reason this occurs, the effect can be heartbreaking and for children, long term.

In today’s society we recognise that it is not always possible for families to stay together and your work to support dads to fulfill their role as effective fathers is to be admired.

I wish you well and continued success at the National Strategic Conference on Fatherhood.

Hon Robyn Parker MLC

Member of the Legislative Council NSW

Email: [email-masked]

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18 September 2003

Dear Fatherhood Foundation

…I was interested to read the 12 point plan and would encourage the debate to consider the role of fathers in this fast changing world.

I certainly support your statement that applauds fathers who are caring for children and urges them to be ‘the best dads in the world’ for the sake of their children.

Initiatives which would assist families and have the best interests of children at heart are to be supported and if your plan is an attempt in this direction I wish you well.  Recent reports of fathers involved in domestic violence are particularly disturbing and efforts need to be taken to ensure that support and advocacy services are made available so that such incidents are reduced and hopefully eliminated.

I trust that your endeavours will have a positive effect on Australian fathers and families.

Peter Dale

General Manager

Policy and Planning

Adelaide City Council

Email: [email-masked]

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Dad's Prayer

Dear God,

Help me be fun to be around.

I don’t want to be boring.

Help me get some new ideas

on how to spend time with my precious children.

Help me to not just talk about it,

but to do it.

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Mission Statement & Help Us!

Mission Statement
The Fatherhood Foundation is a charitable, non profit incorporated association with a goal to inspire men to a greater level of excellence as fathers, by encouraging and educating them, thereby renewing and empowering families.

Click here for more information about us

Help Us!

The Fatherhood Foundation believes that the key to life is giving.  That's why this newsletter is given freely without expectation.  Life is also about relationships.  That's what being a good father is all about, developing relationships with your loved ones.

If you would like to give financially to the Fatherhood Foundation,

please mail your cheque or money order to:

Fatherhood Foundation

PO Box 440

WOLLONGONG  NSW  2520

AUSTRALIA

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